Just 4 more months to ORD. these 2 years felt like as though I've left my own personal life for a very long time. Teaching the sec 1 kids sunday school, sneaking into church to practice drums on weekdays, anime, late nights, part time banquet jobs..all those seemed like only yesterday. But so much have already changed.
The sec1 kids are already so old already, they're more like friend den students to me. I don't practice drums, watch anime, or work part time anymore. my late night hangouts have all been renovated and changed.
So what have I really accomplished (for my own personal life) from the day I enlisted till now..? Let me take a look at my own checklist:
1. To become fitter- was 100% now drop to 50% 2. To accomplish something which I can consider for myself big in the army- 100% 3. Improve on my drums n guitar during free time- 1% 4. Improve relationship/ closeness with family- more den 50% 5. Save up enough money to build a sound proof room- 0% 6. To start a savings plan- 100% 7. To draw closer to God during my NS life- less than 50% accomplished =( 8. To treasure those around me more- 90% 9. To win souls for christ in NS- less than 50% accomplished =( 10. To gain some leadership/organisational skills- 100% 11. Find a special someone by the time I ORD- hohoho 0% 12. Get super hot guitars- 70% (just lacking of a $3000 acoustic only hohoho) 13. Collect memories that would last me a lifetime- 100% 14. To be a better man- hehehe...unknown...
Oh well.....haha...maybe I should really save more money...no more canteen breaks!
10:48 PM
Sunday, January 20, 2008
The "up" people-
I think I'm a person who's quite demanding with standards at times. And it's easy for someone like me to pick up the mistakes of others. But these days, I really do see quite alot of very "up" ppl...They're so up that sometimes you feel they're there and you're far from them...(up means good btw..)
You're one very up person...I realli dunno how you can always share the love and the sunshine to everyone. You can love the most unloved person and really lower down to their level. But yet you're a class of your own. You're understanding and humble...it's almost too difficult to describe with words. Both thumbs up for u.
hmm...so many other "up" ppl...but abit tired to blog le. I have no inspiration to blog these days...why...I also dunno...
8:56 PM
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
2007......-
I've really blogged very little for the year. This is just a super long post for my self reflection, which I believe not many will finish reading. Hopefully my thoughts and reflections will hit upon one of your hearts, leading you to reflect on the important things and reminding you to think about the great things.
It has been a crazy and absolutely out of my mind year in 2007. It's like the worse thing that has ever happened to me, but yet it's also the year that kinda opened up my eyes to discover a different side of life, a different side of myself that I never knew.
In a nutshell, I ended 2006 christmas with hurts, disappointment and tears. I started with 2007 with very intense training from my senior phase of officer training. I failed to perform and my performance failed me as well. Physically not fit enough, mentally not tough enough, logically not sound enough, emotionally not strong enough.
Something special did occure around the start of the year . I saw my world of black and white slowly filled with vibrant colours. But it ended up as the greatest disappointment and hurt in my life. I have never felt worse in my life than that, and to make things more tragic and dramatic, I was presented a terrible brunei trip.
During the mid of the year, a very proud moment of my life, the greatest celebration in my life, to have my parents aknowledge their lazy son's achievement and to have them present my new officer rank to me. Only to find out that I'm a new officer that's being thrown to a new working environment without enough man power, without anyone to teach, guide or protect me. Paying for mistakes that I've commited when no one taught me anything before. Working 18 hours a day because the sergeants under me not doing their job. Figuring out how to do everything myself because no one cares beyond themselves. Being hated by my men when it's not my fault, being rejected by them when you have to make tough judgement call. Maximum work minimal rest.
Been pondering about some things in 2007....
/losing myself.
I have very little or even no time for myself. No time to do my daily routines, no time for my weekly routines even. I didn't get to surf my favourite websites as often as I did, minimal music playing, no jam with bands, no time to shop, no time for computer games. No opportunity to go out with my friends, no chance to meet the ones I love. No weekday night suppers, no weekend chills. No long chains of sms and long phone calls. I can't seem to even find the time to encourage my friends and churchmates.
Den I realise...I'm beginning to lose myself. I suddenly don't know who I am and why I exist. Instead of a human being I'm like a human "being". I operate my body to accomplish tasks, my world is totally black and white. Tomorrow is always a deadline and today is yesterday's deadline for work.
I guess the problem is I allow what I do define who I am. I guess I've always been trying to define myself worth in what I can do or what I can contribute to others.
I realise I can't define myself, only God can. I've always failed to look at God for a definition of myself, I really wanna do it in 2008.
That's something I've learnt and I lift my hands and Thank The Lord.
/welcome to taiwan.
The best moments of my life. The place where I died and revived with my best buddies. My first ever roller coaster ride outside singapore. The 1st time where I knew I was extremely important and meant almost everything to someone. Even after my Taiwan trip, every bookout was with exceeding joy, every bookin full of assurance, understanding and love. But everything is like a freshly cut flowers, here today and gone tomorrow. Dried up and blown away with the winds.
Watching my world from vibrant colours fading to monochrome. Seeing my dreams crumble to dust. My joy was shortlived, my dreams were shattered.
Short lived but it seemed like God has shown me a fragment of what He has prepared for me ahead and will unfold before me when the time is right. I lift my hands and Thank The Lord.
/mirror mirror on the wall.
Tell me, what's the ugliest side of myself. Carrying hurts and sorrows, physical injuries and mental worries, I was send to brunei for a terrible jungle survival course. A time for all of us "refined and helpful" people to see the beast and selfish side in us. That ugly self that I see in the mirror only kicked me forward and encouraged me to endure the pain. I cried when I receive my prize by God's grace, having receive the badge I've always dreamed. I lift my hands and Thank The Lord.
/give up.
I broke my personal record. I'm someone that always have thoughts of giving up, but I'll never give up or let go something I hold important. 2007 has proved me wrong, I've given up on so many things that I really did give up on everything before. There were times where I totally ignored things for weeks, and even months.
I've given up on my friends, given up on my best friends, given up on my overseas friends, given up on my poly friends, given up on my army friends, given up on my recruits, given up on my church friends. I've given up on playing music, given up on love, given up on being an officer, given up on serving in church. Given up on thinking about life, given up on applying for uni, given up on talking to people, given up on thinking and caring about people. The worse of all, I've given up on God.
I'm just so glad that God always has His amazing ways of coming to the rescue. I managed to swim back to all the things that I've given up, whether for days, or months. I now hold everything close to my heart once again, and I lift my hands and Thank The Lord.
/a song for my no.1
I come before you today And there's just one thing that I want to say Thank you lord Thank you lord For all you've given to me For all the blessings that I cannot see Thank you lord Thank you lord
Chorus:
With a grateful heart With a song of praise With an outstretch arm I will bless your name Thank you lord I just wanna thank you lord Thank you lord I just wanna thank you lord Thank you lord
For all you've done in my life You took my darkness and gave me your light Thank you lord Thank you lord You took my sin and my shame You took my sickness and healed all my pain Thank you lord Thank you lord
